This is probably the list of all of my confessions so far.
I am 23 now and I am not a saint, I am not a monster either. All I want in life is not global peace or peace within my family, but at least peace within myself, which has been quite the hassle because I chose people to walk over me.
I keep remembering back to that one incident that happened in the 8th grade where I tried to end myself because my parents didn't take me with them, now that I think about it, it sounds stupid but it did have a deep impact revealing my insecurity that I might not have realized at that point which is to belong with someone.
No matter how bad/good, high/low the ability to be with some group and not be alone has led me to compromise myself and act fake, even degrading my own self-esteem to be the joke of attention in my high school.
I am a topper and tho you might say academics matter, I was pretty good with English and stuff, even winning the one and only prize in interschool competitions. In college too, I was lonely. Mostly, I don't really wanna blame anyone but it's gotta be my shelled-up lifestyle that has led to me to this point and also my parental abuse, especially my mom beating me physically and emotionally and my dad standing by the sidelines and not doing anything has really destroyed me within.
To feel good and to subside the pain of my insecurity I started watching internet porn whenever I am depressed and it kind of felt like a pain reliever unaware of the fact that it is actually killing me from the inside which I discovered now.
I wonder if I too get a good social life, and will have good friends, girlfriend, and people to count on but I realized I might be craving too much and I am not putting much effort into actually going out and socializing in the real world, instead, I prefer watching internet porn and mind-numbing internet shorts that actually even ruined my attention span making me borderline ADHD.
Well the only solution that I thought of it right now was to kill myself, I mean isn't it from where that I started getting awareness, If I actually let myself get killed on the 8th grade I wouldn't have reached this point in my life.
So I sat back and realized, is this it? is this how the story of the great big brain guy whom I think I am called "muthupettai muralikrishnan Karthikeyan" is going to end? (if you are reading that's my full name) Just kill yourself? hmm? not fix what you created?
That's the equivalent of drinking milk and not putting the cup in the sink, who do you think will do that? the waiter? do you even have money to hire a waiter? you are broke arent you?
So what now?
I cant kill myself, at least not when I am old. I want to see the world in 2069, get married, maybe get a kid or two and say the same story to him so that he too doesn't have this unfatherly parenting attention with a loud-ass abusive mother. If not for others, I have to man up for my future generations and not make people get to me. I mean not be a people's puppet.
Well sounds fun.. How are you gonna do that?
I figured some fundamental habit patterns in me are limiting my growth.
1. Me being a dickhole
Brain is soo good with excuses and it does everything in its power to make sure that it doesn't do the task that was intended to do, like I was supposed to write an interview assignment but here I am writing this blog. So first and foremost, your brain is your enemy. Always trust your gut.
I am at this place is solely because of me only. Not because of my parents, not because of the society, not because I was a soy-boy. Take ownership, extreme ownership at your pathetic state that you are right now.
You live with the people whom you hate - your parents. They want you to go out but they are really and deeply frustrated with you day by day. They didn't teach you how to be a man, they didn't even attended one of your sports day event. They are the absolute equivalent of pet owners when it comes to parenting but still you are not doing anything about it. Just whining like a sag little piece of toilet shit.
If you want to grow, take extreme ownership and come out of that trap or boundary that you set up for yourself for all these years.
2. Practice
If you don't want others to get to you or if you don't want others to tell you how you should do your job , then practice being really good at it and not say every fucking thing to them.
Set limits, if you don't know how, learn how to do it. PRACTICE PRACTICE and PRACTICE. That's how you grow, not by envying others or by jerking off about what a sad piece of shit you are.
It takes time and you will learn a lot, be prepared.
3. Patience and perseverance
The biggest downfall with you in particular is execution and patience. You are a human equivalent of a monkey jumping from one thing to the another, searching for this big thing or that big thing. Fuck everything and set up systems, stick to it and follow it like a man.
If you say you are gonna sleep early then sleep early. don't just pull the "oh cmon a little cod game wont hurt crap"
If you are weak at something, set deadlines, follow the SMART goal process and put in the work.
If you know what results you are expecting and follow the process to get that results, you are obviously gonna get that result, don't you understand?
It is literally that simple. No magic, No BS. Just plan, persevere and go get it!
Some day you are gonna read this message when you are successful and realise, maybe things did happen for a reason. Your problems make you a stronger, smarter and a better person.
I love you Karthik. I always do. No matter who loves you or not. I do. I always do. It will be pure karthik and I know for a fact that if the entire world is gonna come at you, remember karthik, I will be on your side. I will be your beacon of hope. God is with us karthik. This is your conscience speaking.]
Take care now and go finish that assignment you big doo doo head.
Planning is 20% and execution is 30% rest 50% is visualising and trusting it. Remember! once again, don't worry about who loves you or who doesn't. even if you are a virgin or not a virgin, even if you are enough or not enough, even if you live in a dumpster or in a palace. I will always love you Karthik. know that my love will always be pure and only for the betterment of you so please, rise up and do it for me. The one who was supposed to die but who is still beating for you. My one true love. Rise up!
With love,
Your heart.
19-05-2024. 11:18 PM
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